Understanding Nancy Kissel and Why She Killed Her Husband

– April 20, 2010

The Dysfunctional Poster Family
Editorial by Kim Cantrell

This is a follow up editorial to Monday’s book review of Joe McGinnis’ Never Enough.

>> Warning! The following may contain spoilers

Nancy Kissel and family is not one you easily forget.

Although Joe McGinnis appeared to have sympathy toward the victim – quite understandably – there’s just no way to hide the madness that ran rampant in the Kissel household and that of extended family.

After reading Never Enough and having a couple of days to ponder the situation, it’s pretty simple to see where things went wrong.

Although Bill Kissel and other acquaintances insisted that Rob Kissel was an easy-going, personable guy, the persona just doesn’t fit.

Investment banking attracts high stress personalities. Although they can be quite charming to those they meet, it’s not uncommon for them to destress, sometimes rather cruelly, behind closed doors.

Typically, those in the risky, fast-paced financial business are not what-you-see-is-what-you-get individuals.

Not that I think Rob was actually physically abusive, but I just don’t buy the characterization that he was all wonderful, all the time.

Then you have Nancy. Definitely a high maintenance gal.

After her parents divorced she didn’t have a lot of familial guidance; mom was more interested in friendship and “finding herself” than raising children. And Dad living several states away wasn’t there to fulfill the “Daddy void.”

She loved Rob, no doubt, when they first wed; but I think it’s pretty obvious that money was the main reason she married.

Yet the love of money comes at a high price. For Nancy, that was having a husband who worked 100 or more hours per week. And if he wasn’t at the office, he was traveling.

BUT…that wasn’t the only issue at play here.

Nancy had a father-in-law who played his boys like fine-tuned fiddles. Constantly berating or bragging, depending on how well they danced to his tunes.

Bill Kissel never hid his dislike for Nancy and wasn’t embarressed to voice his opinion of her as “the waitress”; frequently declaring that she should have married his older son, Andrew, who he all but outright called a loser.

So you’ve got the arrogant Bill telling the high maintenance Nancy quite often how unworthy she is. You’ve got a husband who prefers to chase the almighty dollar versus family life.

Nancy eased those pains with a boyfriend. Not uncommon for women in similar lifestyles.

But when the money-making machine husband couldn’t control his wife like he did bankrupt companies, he used the tool he was most familiar with: money.

Now you’ve got an emotionally pain woman with a husband keeping her under thumb.

Who didn’t see murder coming?

Do I think it’s right? Absolutely not.

Do I understand Nancy’s thinking? Yes, she felt there was no other way.

And how could she.

Following her arrest, Bill made it clear that if Andrew wasn’t awarded the children, he wouldn’t hesitate to accuse Nancy’s brother of molestation to get his way. Then, when Andrew and his wife are headed for divorce, she makes it clear she wants custody of the children, whether it’s in their best interest or not, so that she’s guaranteed to have money.

But there was, and she should have taken it. Even if it meant some difficult sacrifices. Murder is just too permanent and the price too high.

I hope, however, that one day the Kissel children learn about the arrogance and greediness of their paternal family. And in doing so, they have a better understanding of their mother and reunite with her; even if it’s behind bars.

Wouldn’t that be the ultimate in-your-face toward Bill Kissel? Man, I’d love to have a front row seat for that show!

Tags: Editorial, Nancy Kissel, Opinions

anonymous

How arrogant of you to think that this piece of trash book contains ALL facts in this case. The TRUTH is that Nancy Kissel worked three jobs to get her husband through school and did love him…not the money. He became physically abusive and anal rape became commonplace in her life. When she killed him, which she freely admits, it was in self defence against yet another episode of rape. Could you tolerate nightly rapes and beatings. I think not.
Kim Cantrell

Did you bother to read it before you jumped in defending Nancy?

I don’t think you did because if you had, I make it perfectly clear that I don’t believe everything that was in McGinnis’ book. If I had, I would have been sold on Rob being a great guy; and, if you’ll read, I wasn’t.

Could I tolerate nightly rapes and beatings? No, I couldn’t. And I don’t expect anyone to, but murder is not an answer.
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Mrs. Baseball

This is an extremely interesting story. I am an living the life of an expat in Shanghai China. The husbands work long hours and travel constantly. Chinese girls are constantly throwing themselves at them looking for their ticket out of their nowhere lives. The wives are able to shop all day, dine out at the high end restaurants, have tailor made out fits and spa & massage every day…mostly by themselves. Once you finally make friends to do things with they are transferred. No one stays longer than 3 years. In the end its all about filling the loneliness that is left because the husband is never home. What sounded and seemed like an adventure for the whole family turns into a lonely place for everyone. The language is not easy to learn and if you aren’t using the correct dialect – then nothing is understood. All household help needs to be trained and then they quit. Most times they make more mess than anything. These are the same issues in Hong Kong. It is still a third world in many areas. The way the West does things and what is known as being polite and having manners is definetely not the same as in the East where picking your nose and cleaning your ear in public and spitting and peeing on the streets is the norm. The reason for removing your shoes before stepping into a home is because you may have stepping into someone’s mess. If you are not grounded as a person you may find yourself lost and floundering – looking for some stability. Although you live the high life so is everyone else in your expat circle. There is nothing special about you. You are all the same. It all sounds great but in the end it is still a lonely life.
destiny

Nancy Kissel married him for money. She can see that he’ll make money in the future base on his education background. She didn’t work 3 jobs to support him. They were dating only for 2 years before they got married. Who supported Robert? He himself work and go to school to support himself.

Everything we read bad about Robert is all from Nancy. How do we know if it’s true? Robert is already dead, he can’t defense himself.

And even if he’s a bad guy, he’s not deserved to die. What about his children? This woman killed him because she’s greedy.

I think he probably told her that if they divorce, she can’t get a penny from him because he got proved that she had an affair with the electrician. She probably got so angry that she planned to kill him to take all his money.

Her action is selfish. She didn’t think about her 3 children, who now have no father nor mother. She deserve life sentence.
renee

This case is new to me and I haven’t read the book. My husband is a workaholic. I think that if you married for money, got it and your husband worked all the time, you’d be in Heaven, you wouldn’t have to spend anytime with the jerk. I think she must have loved him or she wouldn’t have cared that he worked all the time. He sounds like not a great time. He sealed the deal on the international move to Hong Kong without consulting his wife. Then they went back to Vermont, that was his idea, too. Just moving her all around like she was an object not a person. No wonder she had an affair. After an affair it is impossible to be kind to the cheater when you have a fight. Rob probably felt betrayed and maybe he did abuse her. I can understand the whole thing about showing up late for the Bush dinner but having a smile on her face. Any woman can do that, especially given a chance to meet the President. Even if your not a Republican.
Kim

Read the book. Given the evidence against her, I’m sure she’s facing a 2nd conviction. Her story of self-defense because of abuse is weak given the circumstances. I’m sure Rob was no angel, but Nancy is a bill board for self-absorbed narcissism. It’s compelling their live-in nanny and housekeeper testified that Rob was not abusive and they never witnessed any fights. Nancy, however, was universally portrayed as a terrible mother who spent excessively “to fill the void.” The evidence presented creates a compelling picture that she was willing to do what was needed to maintain her lifestyle when she realized Rob was going to divorce her. Hopefully the children are now in a loving and functional home.
Deirdre Daquila MA

I don’t think anyone has the whole picture here or ever will. But both the Kissels endured varying degrees of neglect and certainly psychological abuse.
Nancy with her excessive need for attention and instant gratification (shopping, sex etc) is, to use a cliche, looking for the love missing in childhood. Both endorse character traits of narcissism and borderline personality.
Does this excuse their excessive, self indulgent and superficial lifestyle. I don’t think so. Many of us don’t get the love we need as children. But I believe we all have opportunity for change; for taking the crisis we all experience and use it to develop the best of who we can be. To practice forgiveness, tolerate anger and cultivate love where we can. It would be a fantasy to say we can do it but we all can practice. It is the process not the outcome.
Interesting to look at impact of extreme wealth on ones character and integrity.
Gloria

I agree 100% with Ms. Daquila. Even at 70+, I’m not yet quite “where I should be” but if I keep trying to the end, then that effort may count the same as having arrived…I, too, ca.e from a “looking for love” home. Mom was addicted to Rx drugs, barbituates to get through the day, narcotics to sleep, and dad was an alcoholic who died of it on his early 50′s. We weren’t fed right, let or noticed, let alone shown any love. For one thing, I tried to make it about my children getting the love they needed “now,” rather than about the love I didn’t get, “then.” “Nightly beatings, abuse, etc.” ? All she had to do, especially with children needing their parents, was to LEAVE – with or without alimony and child support. Um…if it was “Rape,” was it reported to the authorities? To anyone? No. This jury got it right. She chose the wrong “D,” death for him instead of Divorce for them.
http://truecrimebookreviews.com/2010/04/nancy-kissel-murder-husband-rob/ Paulie Fugetaboutit

I have a great deal of sympathy for Nancy and even for her husband. I think you make a great point in that Robert was not Mr. Wonderful all the time. Was he abusive? Don’t know. Did he rape her? Don’t know. Was murder justified? perhaps but either way what she committed was premeditated murder and whether it was justified or not it is against the law. She saw murder as her only way out? I don’t think so. She may have saw murder as her only way but that does not mean it was her only way out. I agree with Gloria, she chose the wrong “D”. Resorting to murder was unnecessary .
Gloria

And, on second thought, I don’t think “getting OUT was her real concern. Were it, she probably would have gone the Divorce route. “Getting THE MONEY” was the real concern, hence, killing him WAS thge only route. “The Want of Money…is the Root of all EVil…”
not believing Nancy

If Nancy was actually “raped” and “abused”…..nightly…..she would have never returned from Vermont with her children. American courts/judges could have protected her from the abuse. If Nancy was truly worried about her safety (and that of her minor children) she would not have willingly returned to Hong Kong, from the US, in 2003 after the Sars outbreak. While back in the United States, she could have filed a complaint with the police and petitioned the US Courts for a divorce based upon abuse. I am not believing that Nancy Kissel had no other way out.

Nancy went “drug shopping” in the days leading up to Rob’ death. She planned to drug and murder Rob Kissel, period. She wasn’t the type of girl that wanted a huge payout of alimony and child support…….she wanted it all. Nancy wanted all of Rob’s money.

I hope Rob’s children will grow up knowing that their father loved them and was not the person that Nancy tried to make him out to be. I believe that Nancy Kissel must be a very sick woman.
JM

Nancy Kissel is a cold blooded, greedy deadly woman. Her librarian costume and nutty act was rejected by two juries. She belongs on death row. Eventually she will face God and recieve a trip to hell, first class of course.
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Lord

If you were well aware of the facts of the case, you would know that there was very little evidence to support the claims that her husband was abusing her. She didn’t tell anyone about the incidents of anal rape, and she was very quite about the abuse. Does this mean it didn’t happen? Well no, but it doesn’t help her case.

Another fact is that all the evidence points to the fact that this was a cold-blooded murder, and not an act of self defense. The baseball bat that was supposedly used by her husband to attack her, didn’t have any trace of use from the Nancy or her husband, and it also didn’t have any signs of coming in contact with the statue that Nancy was supposedly using to defend herself.

Claiming that a victim of murder isn’t worthy of justice, just because his killer claimed that he was an ass hole, is hugely unfair, especially with so much evidence in the prosecutions favor.
Gloria

I returned to read the latest Comment (from Lord) and have been wanting to respond to something Ms. Cantrell said originally:

“I hope, however, one day that the Kissell children learn about the arrogance and greediness of their paternal family. And, in doing so, they have a better understanding of their mother and reunite with her, even if it’s behind bars.

Wouldn’t that be the ultimate in-your-face toward Bill Kissell? Man,I’d love to have a front row seat for that show!”

Shame, Shame, Shame! Ms. Cantrell!

Okay. If no one minds, this doesn’t have to have an ending which makes Ms. Cantrell feel good. (Vindictively feed good. I find her personalization of Nancy’s hurt a bit odd…perhaps it’s the female psyche at work… females, I’ve found, do generally have a bigger problem with objectivity!!)

And, this doesn’t need to be an ending which makes Bill Kissell feel bad.

HELLOOOO!!! The CHILDREN NEED…for it to have an ending which will MOST benefit them!!

When and why did the focus leave the children? Wasn’t it dreadful enough, that Nancy subjugated their needs to hers…do the rest of us have to add to that wreckage in their lives?! The children ARE 1/2 Kissell…let’s hope they find all the Good they can, in the Kissell family, for the children’s self-image sake! It is not their fault, that their Greedy mother (oops…Greed from BOTH sides) chose wrong, chose to marry money then found it was “counterfeit” for her needs! Worse that she then Chose to subjugate their need for parents to her need for vengeance and money.
There’s plenty of Bad to go around! It’ll find the kids they won’t have to look for it! My Hope for them is that they find as much Good and Happiness as they can, however they can, given the hand which Destiny dealt them! This can be with or without a reunion with their mother, with whom they also share Genes! Each child needs to do that which each feels is the Right Thing To Do, again, given the hand which Destiny dealt them. Peace, and God Bless
Kim Cantrell

Gloria, actually I very much agree with you; hence, why I hope the children will have some sort of a relationship for their mother.

Better left unsaid, so to speak, is the fact it would be the ultimate slap in the face to Bill Kissel – who was extremely instrumental of the all dysfunction of his sons and daughter-in-laws.

I do personalize this case, as I do pretty much any case. I don’t accept the oh-poor-Nancy excuse but I don’t accept the perfect image of Robert either.

And I’m not afraid to say it out loud.
Kim Cantrell

Lord, did I say anywhere that Robert’s murder wasn’t worthy of justice?

No, I did not. Reread my post again.

Robert was an ass. And by such, he is not as nearly a sympathetic victim as someone who is not would be. But should Nancy get away with murder? Absolutely not!
Gloria

Yes…really tough, to find a figure here who deserves any Sympathy, let alone a “perfect” figure… Still, I’ve been where most of you are…nancy made yet another bad choice, Murder was a wrong answer, period. I admit MY bias is as a mother, I EXPECT a woman to put her childrens’ interests above her own…especially since, as in most all ‘love gone wrong’ relationships, each person made a BAD choice in the other. It was clear that Nancy married, then killed Rob for, money. To me, then, as money was her Be all/End all, it was such a betrayal of the children that, as much as Bill Kissell deserves what he’ll Ultimately get in life (Greed has a way of being its own “reward” – ask the Nance…) It wouldn’t be worth it to me to have the children condone/accept/ overlook her Betrayal of them, just to “get” Bill…conflicting goals, here! I’m on the kids’ side! WhatEVER they can get from Life to Soothe their hurts, they are Welcome to!
Again, Peace and God Bless…
Angela Spencer

I cannot believe this Kim Cantrell was allowed to write anything! She makes so many mistakes in English. She even says “daughter-in-laws” instead of “daughters-in-law”. And what Nancy Kissel did is EVIL. She drugged and then bludgeoned her husband to death. She had her own daughter serve the drugged milkshake. She had people carry out the body of her dead husband, wrapped in a carpet. Her own son commented on the bad smell emanating from the carpet. She is obscene. She lied about abuse. No one, NO ONE experiences such abuse without telling a single soul. And Filipino maids in Hong Kong know EVERYTHING that goes on. Why on earth would her children even WANT a relationship with such a monster? I lived in Hong Kong during the time of the murder and the original trial. I never believed her lies. Neither did the jury – TWICE!!
Carla

Angela, I cannot believe you are so critical of Ms. Cantrell. All you can do is point out a one (questionable, imo) typo but don’t get it that she doesn’t agree with what Nancy Kissel did but makes valid points about Rob Kissel’s role as a husband. Are you a friend of Bill Kissel? Pops feelings hurt because somebody doesn’t believe how great his son was?
Gloria

Angela, Hmmm. Guess I missed that, such things usually jump out at me. Was it meant to be noun, plural, i.e. “DaughterS-in-law?” Or was it a noun, singular, possessive, i.e. “Daughter-in-law’s…” What line, what page? I’d like to see it.
I found it well-written albeit, to me, a tad pro-Nancy via being so clearly anti-Rob BECAUSE of her, Kim’s, almost-hatred of Bill…transferred hatred?! But then, I found Nancy so very Evil, amorality personified, that I guess I have a biased eye.
Amazing!-I found your choice of words curious: “I cannot believe this Kim Cantrell was allowed to write anything.” Huh? “Allowed” by whom?
Finally, and again…the children are, simplistically put, “half mom and half dad.” To badmouth either, is to diminish the child/ren. They need to be allowed, their space respected, to make their own choice about visiting mom and respecting their dad’s memory. Regardless of what kind of a husband he was, he was their father! I’d visit mom to see for myself, what she had to say for herself, whether she YET had developed a sense of responsibility to and for her children. And I’d remember dad was drugged, ambushed and killed by her. Those things, combined, should give each child a balanced view, realistic, of what kind of a person, each of the parents were…God’s Blessings on and Peace! to the children.
expatwife

I have been an expat wife in various cities in Asia including Hong Kong and have discussed both newspaper coverage of the case as well as McGinnis’ book with my circle of friends all of whom are expat wives. We would all have found her guilty of murder. It can indeed be a difficult and lonely life but most of us learn to adapt and find the positives outway the negatives.

The problem comes when some people simply lose their perspective on reality. You cannot have lots of money and a lovely house, send your children to expensive international schools, eat in top restaurants, go on vacation to 5 star hotels etc. without someone having to work for it. In Hong Kong it is perfectly possible to work as an expat spouse if you have appropriate qualifications. It is also possible to do voluntary work as Nancy did at her childrens’ school. She went home to Vermont during SARS when we all went home for a few months. Everything about her was normal for her sort of person except that for some reason she lost the plot during her time back in the States. Her husband was also quite typical of the type of person he was. It is really very unlikely that he was abusing her as she said as the Filipina helper could not have been unaware of that. The flat she lived in was big for Hong Kong but not that big! She should have thought of her children and looked more closely at the positive aspects of her life. Unfortunately there are some people who fail to see the wood for the trees. Those poor kids!
pamela berry

I too just read Joe Mginnis book Never Enough about the Nancy Kissell story.I also felt myself swaying towards Robert Kissels side, but there are always two sides to every story.I feel that it was the all mighty dollar and the quest for more that ruined this story tale marriage.Sad threeto say we will never really know what really happened that night in Hong-Kong,but will it change anything? The real victims are the three innocent children who will never be raised as they should be with two loving parents.
yishai

Nancy is a greedy,pathological liar!! She is deservedly going to hell! Sadly you don’t have the brains to realize her ‘abuse” was just another lie.

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Understanding Nancy Kissel and Why She Killed Her Husband

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